A Crash Course In Neighbor Diplomacy
by Red Witch
Summary: The gang at Cheryl's Place has trouble with their neighbors. Gee I wonder why?


** The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has taken a crash course in demolition. Which is very fitting for this group. **

**A Crash Course In Neighbor Diplomacy **

It all started one afternoon while Ron was sitting in the living room of Cheryl's Place reading the newspaper. "Why do I bother reading this thing?" He sighed. "Wars. Death. Disease. Disasters."

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"HA HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl was heard laughing.

"Oh right," Ron blinked. "Still better than here."

CRASH!

"Oh God," Ron groaned when he heard the racket. "What are they doing **now?" **

He paused. "On second thought I **don't** want to know."

That was when the doorbell rang. "Why do I have the feeling this isn't going to be good?" Ron sighed as he went to get the door.

He opened it to find a forty to sixty something blond woman with a stiff face full of Botox, clearly plumped lips that were far too big for her and wearing a fashionable blue dress and diamond jewelry. "Excuse me," She said. "Are you the new owner of this mansion?"

"No, I'm just the houseguest," Ron quipped. "Name's Kato Katelin."

The woman gave him a look. "Is that a joke or…?"

"You're looking for Carol and/or Cheryl Tunt," Ron said. "Or whatever name she's calling herself today. Mrs…"

"Heidenkurcher-Wynnn-Braun-Stautheilmer-Flynn," The woman said. "But everyone calls me Ms. Heidi."

"Ron Cadillac," Ron said as she walked in. "But everyone calls me Ron Cadillac. Come on in why don't you?"

"I live in the mansion behind yours," Ms. Heidi said. "I'd like to complain about the noise. And the wild animals."

"Oh boy…" Ron winced. "Did the zebra eat your lawn?"

"No, but that ocelot ate one of my Pomeranians!" Ms. Heidi snapped. "And I've seen some wild pigs rooting through my garden at night! At least I think they were pigs. One had a horn on its forehead and the other one was glowing green."

"Sorry about that," Ron winced. "A little tip. I'd advise my gardener to invest in a hazmat suit."

"Not to mention the constant smoke that drifts into my yard!" Ms. Heidi snapped. "The other night I was hosting a cocktail party and I could barely see which woman I was having a fight with!"

"Carol does like to burn things," Ron admitted.

"It was a disaster," Ms. Heidi went on. "I almost fired the wrong maid!"

"Isn't that always a tragedy?" Ron said sarcastically.

"And the **noises** that come from this place," Ms. Heidi bristled. "Even though my house is twelve acres away I can still hear it!"

"Imagine **living** here," Ron told her. "I really should invest in some noise cancelling headphones."

"I want to talk to whoever is in charge around here," Ms. Heidi snapped. "And tell her to knock it off or else I will go to the Home Owner's Association and lodge a formal complaint!"

"Honestly lady, if I were you…" Ron sighed. "I'd move."

_"What?"_ Ms. Heidi blinked.

"I'm **serious,**" Ron warned her. "It's too late for me. I'm trapped here. But not for you! Run for your life lady! Just go out and **run** as far away as you can from these nutjobs before it's too late!"

"Are you…?" Ms. Heidi began before a crash upstairs was heard. "What the devil is going **on** up there?"

"I don't know," Ron sighed. "I don't **want **to know."

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"GOD DAMN IT KRIEGER!" Ray was heard shouting. "I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A **BAD IDEA**!"

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"That's it!" Ms. Heidi said firmly. "I'm going up there!" She went towards a nearby staircase.

"I wouldn't if I were you," Ron said. "Seriously lady. I'd stay here where it's safe. Well safer."

"Nonsense!" Ms. Heidi snapped as she walked up the staircase. "I am going to give Ms. Tunt a piece of my mind!"

VVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOM!

Suddenly Cheryl strapped to a jetpack came flying down the stairs. She was wearing a helmet and a red jumpsuit screaming her head off. Straight towards Ms. Heidi.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Ms. Heidi shrieked as Cheryl barreled into her with the subtlety of a rhinoceros.

Cheryl just cackled manically as she grabbed Ms. Heidi and they flew down the stairs. Ron barely managed to avoid getting knocked down himself.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP!" Ms. Heidi screamed in terror as she held onto Cheryl for dear life as they flew around the mansion.

"I **warned** her," Ron groaned.

Ray was down first. "Dukes!"

Krieger, Cyril and Pam followed. "We **told **you letting Cheryl test your new jetpack in the house was a dumb ass idea!" Pam snapped.

"HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY STOP THIS THING!" Ms. Heidi screamed as they banged around the house, knocking over furniture and knickknacks and into walls. "OWWWW!"

"YES! WE'RE FLYING ON THE SKYWAY TO HELL!" Cheryl screamed with glee.

"Who is **that?**" Cyril pointed.

"Our neighbor…" Ron gulped. "Duck!"

The gang screamed as Cheryl barreled towards them. Ray realized something and managed to open the door to the outside. "Cheryl! Fly outside! You can crash **out there!"**

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Cheryl cheered as they flew outside through the door.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Ms. Heidi screamed.

"Why did you let them _outside_?" Cyril snapped.

"So that they wouldn't crash into us **inside!"** Ray snapped.

"Good point," Cyril gulped as they went to look at the insanity.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"WE'RE GONNA BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER!" Cheryl screamed.

"Better than breaking us," Ray groaned. "Wait who is that with Cheryl?"

"Heidi something or other…" Ron told him. "She came over to complain about the noise."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"She's kind of making a lot of it herself," Pam remarked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Ray looked up. "Boy that jet pack really has some hang time on it doesn't it?"

"Okay so what…?" Ron began.

"I made a jet pack," Krieger explained. "Cheryl wanted to test it out."

"But the idiots didn't think of going outside first," Pam added.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"HA! HA! HA! HA! I'M TOUCHING THE FACE OF GOD! HA! HA! HA!"

"At least she's outside now," Ray remarked.

"Don't worry," Krieger waved. "Any minute now the jet pack…"

SPUTT! SPUTT! SPUTT!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

"Will run out of fuel," Krieger finished.

CRASH!

"Oh good," Pam remarked. "That bush broke their fall."

"I'm okay!" Cheryl giggled as she lay entangled in a tree. "Oh hey lady come here often?"

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CRAZY MANIAC!" Ms. Heidi screamed as she tried to escape the bush. Twigs were in her wild hair. Her dress was torn. And there were some scratches on her face. Which was frozen in an expression of pure horror due to the Botox.

"Again," Ron sighed. "I **warned **you."

"Geeze what's your problem?" Cheryl asked as the guys helped them both out of the bush.

"I AM GOING TO CALL MY LAWYER AND…" Ms. Heidi began.

"RRRRRR!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Ms. Heidi ran away as Babou leapt out of the bushes and started chasing her.

"Oh, I wondered where Babou went," Cheryl remarked idly. "What was all **that** about?"

"Something tells me we're going to get a notice from the local Homeowner's Association very soon," Ron sighed.

"Oh, we've already had like **three** of those," Cheryl waved. "I just burn them."

"No surprises there," Ray remarked. "What if someone sends a lawyer?"

"Already happened," Cheryl told them. "I just sicced Babou on the guy. He won't be coming back here in a hurry. What's left of him."

"That explains why we don't have too many visitors," Pam realized.

"It also explains the large number of for sale signs in this neighborhood," Ron groaned.


End file.
